More Thoughts of Taz

I hope if you subscribe to this blog, you will forgive me for indulging in using it as a bit of a personal journal as I get through what is a very painful time for me. If you read through all this, I thank you for wanting to share in my celebration of this special life and if you don't, that's fine too! I know all of this may seem really boring to a lot of people and those of you that haven't had the experience of sharing your life with a beloved pet may not understand the level of grief that can be experienced by such a loss. The suddenness that this happened has in many ways made it all the more difficult and I've struggled a lot this week with feelings of guilt and remorse. Gradually by talking with a lot of people, including the vet that worked on him, I'm starting to get past that and better accept what happened and the fact that I could not have changed it and that there was much to be grateful for, not the least of which is that this at least happened while I was home and able to at least help him to be relatively comfortable in his last hour and be there in his final moments.

There are so many special moments we shared, little silly quirks that he had, many of which I could not or did not get on tape or film and I have this need to write it all down so I can remember all these things which were such a part of him. Like the way he would greet favorite friends, barking joyfully to say his hellos, and then often sneezing repeatedly which was something he often did when he was really excited. I often would give him little "achoo" cues and he would sneeze over and over, and everyone would be so impressed that I taught him to sneeze on command! But nope, it was all Taz just being silly. His favorite thing though when greeting people would be to turn around and see if they knew what he loved most...a good back scratch. I've seldom seen a dog enjoy a good back and body massage the way Taz did. He would throw himself over and roll around on the ground groaning with pleasure, and you just couldn't help laugh at his silly antics and how much he enjoyed such a simple thing.

Taz was such a dedicated friend, that even in his old age, he was never happy to be apart from me even momentarily in the house. I would often tell him to "stay" if I was leaving the room and would return shortly, just to save him the effort of getting up since I knew he would always follow me. In the last few years, getting up the stairs was more and more of an effort for him, and since he was a good 20+ pounds of dog to have to be carried up and down, I typically would leave him at the bottom of them if I had to run upstairs to dry my hair or do wash or some other short-term task and he would just lie at the bottom and wait patiently for me to return. But sometimes if I was packing for a trip or was showing someone around upstairs he would get upset at being left out and would come scrambling up those stairs on his own anyway! I worked a lot on trying to get him to not howl every time I left him so that he wouldn't bother the people that took care of him when I needed to go out of town (particularly my Dad!) but he was quite determined and whatever methods I would try to modify that behavior, he just refused to give it up. He never showed any other signs of separation anxiety like chewing or digging, he just had to voice his disapproval for awhile and then would eventually calm down and wait for my return.

He also more recently was really getting very sore and red on his elbows, losing most of the fur on them as well. I assumed this was from him lying around much more than when he was younger but wasn't sure what to do about it. Then I one day realized, it must be from the berber carpet in my office, where he lay most of the day and often was getting up and down on. That rough carpet must have just been rubbing too much on his elbows and they just didn't have any time to heal. So I took out an old feather bed that I was not using and put it under the desk for him. Wow, did that just make him so happy! He would just sprawl out on it and leave me absolutely no room for my feet at all. Sometimes in the last few weeks, he was sleeping so soundly he wouldn't even wake up when I left the room, very unusual for him as he was always so alert to any of my movements. That may have actually been the first very minor sign of the problems that he was having but were so well hidden.

Some people don't approve of dogs on the bed, but I've always greatly enjoyed sharing mine with my dogs, they have to stay on top of the covers, prove that they will not mess in the night and also sleep until *I* decide it's time to get up! I always throw an old sheet on top so I can easily wash it regularly and not have hair all over the bedding and that works pretty well for me. Taz was definitely a perfect bed companion. He used to mainly sleep on the other side of the bed from me but as he got older, and also as I was able to get a larger bed, he enjoyed being able to sprawl out on top of the pillows that were not being used. But what I will always remember most is our "lights-out" ritual. I often watch some TV in my room before going to bed, and Taz would be asleep on the pillow next to me, or sometimes down at the foot of the bed. But as soon as I would turn out the lights and roll over to go to sleep, he would get up from wherever he was and come right up next to me and just stretch out with his head nestled right up against mine and we would go to sleep each night that way. It was so unusual and special to me because Taz was not a dog that cared for much physical affection, and he didn't like to get his face close to other people or dogs or really care much for cuddling. Yet every night he always wanted to spend those moments right next to me before we went to sleep. It definitely is something I miss and think about every night when I turn out the lights.

One of the things so many people have mentioned to me is how Taz would always stay wherever I put him, no matter what was going on around him. Few dogs are as rock-solid on a stay as he was, for such long lengths of time. It was not uncommon for me to just leave him on my chair at an agility trial and go scribe the class for a couple hours, and he would just stay there the whole time casually watching. Of course, we're a lot stricter these days about doing such things, for safety reasons, we were a bit more laid-back all those years ago! I once was at a trial and had left Taz zipped into a folding crate in my tent and when I came back much later, found him lying on the ground by himself. I asked the people sitting nearby if they had put him there, but no, they just saw him there and assumed he was staked or tied. Taz had actually unzipped his crate (using his nose to slide the zipper open) but instead of running to find me like any other dog would, he just laid down and waited until I returned. I always joked about it that he was just trying to prove to me that he was too good to be locked in a crate!

Another favorite story was the time I was at a sheep trial and left him on a sit-stay while I used the porta-potty. While I was in there I heard a little "baaa" which seemed strange because the sheep were penned some distance away. Well, when I came out, someone standing nearby told me that my dog deserved some major treats because they had just moved the flock to a new field directly behind him and he didn't budge! He had a rather annoyed look on his face, I always thought he felt I had arranged the whole thing just to test him. Whether it was racing flyball with him lying on the sidelines, or if I was running another dog in agility practice, etc. he would just wait patiently until it was his turn to run and not fuss or bark or otherwise carry on. It always surprised people that he could be so calm and laid-back and then turn on so much speed when it came time for his turn! His steadiness on a stay also made him great to pose for photos and we had a lot of fun over the years taking shots. I had always hoped to set up a home studio to take pro-quality shots to use for sale, but sadly was never able to find the time, money or space to do that.

Taz always was totally comfortable being held upside down on my lap, and it was a common site at dog shows to see us with him sprawled out on top of me. He never tended to relax completely in his crate, having to watch me like a hawk, so it was a way to have some close time and be sure he was getting some rest too. He was so trusting of me in this position I could even lift him up over my head, my hands supporting his back and he just lay there all flopped over and wouldn't move or struggle to roll over at all. In his later years, I would often hold him this way on top of me while watching TV on the sofa and I almost can feel him still there in the evenings now when I am sitting there. He would often try to twist his head away from me as he always did in a chair, trying to avoid me trying to give him kisses. Some of my doggie friends were surprised at how much his disliked kisses, and it was a rare person indeed that could coax one from him. He would just barely touch your skin and see if that would be enough to satisfy you. I always joked that he didn't want to get "people germs!"

Taz was one of the best doggie patients a vet could hope to have, and would let you do things like clean teeth, x-ray, etc. without having to sedate him (as long as I was there!) With all the work that had been done on him over the years, he certainly didn't like going there though and it really was the only time I truly ever saw him stressed and scared. But never did he object or growl or fuss at anything they would do, he would just lean up against me, and often tuck his head under my arm almost like a kid that doesn't want to watch as he gets a shot. But I learned in flyball that he hated having any kind of bandage on his legs and particularly if I tried to crate him he was so determined to get it off even an Elizabethan collar didn't dissuade him. A few years ago we had to remove a toe that kept getting injured and I had to carry Taz around with me as he would only leave the bandage alone if he was with me. I never had to correct him for chewing it if I was in the room he wouldn't even try to touch it. But as soon as I went out of sight, it was off in minutes! Other than that, he was always a totally perfect patient, you never had to crate him like you might with some dogs that needed to have restricted exercise. If I told him to just stay on the couch or on a bed where I placed him, he would lay there for hours until I told him it was okay to move.

There are so many special memories I have of competing with Taz, it's hard to even being to list them all. I don't even have to go into all the dog shows we traveled to, and all the exciting agility and flyball runs we had. The total joy we had at finishing our first agility championship in USDAA, or the elation of finally getting our MACH in AKC (he had many times the number of speed points needed but so many single fault runs that spoiled double-Q's!) That first USDAA Grand Prix we competed in where he totally surprised me by running perfect and making it to the finals...where we were surprised with the news that Animal Planet was going to televise it (first agility televised in the US.) And then the awful moment when I in my nervousness sent him off-course in the final which cost us the win! There were of course many special moments in obedience, and the great freestyle performance we did at Uptempo (and never quite matched again.) And the last major title we finished, the flyball ONYX which I was worried we weren't going to finish in time as it seemed that every tournament we went to, we kept getting fewer and fewer points but my team refused to let us quit even if it meant the other dogs missed out on points they might otherwise get. How excited we all were when he got those last points, and that was the last race I had him do! Taz finished up his trial career in Rally but he never finished the top level titles as I decided to stop any jumping at all once he developed arthritis. I always wished we could have done the Excellent level and shown off his great backward heeling!

I could probably go on much longer, it's just amazing to think back on his life and all the things we did together and try to even begin to list just the highlights. The tough times he helped me get through years ago, and all the places we have lived. The times he got to come to where I worked and would run around with a tennis ball for all my co-workers to throw for him. His joy and skill at working sheep (and bunnies at my parent's house!) His patience with my young nieces and nephews even when they would not leave him alone. His love of riding in the car with me, buckled up into his own seat. His little habit of nudging me when I was driving to tell me to put my hand down on the gear selector so he could use it as a pillow (even if I gave him a little pillow to use instead!) The way he somehow managed to get into his airline flight bag on his own even though the opening was at the top and the bag itself barely large enough to hold him. Or the time he got to have his very own seat on the plane and ride as a celebrity pet! It was so fun to see people's reaction and enjoy their comments about how amazingly well behaved and quiet he was. I always wished I traveled as well as he did. And of course, there were also the times when he showed me that he really was just a dog after all. Like when he broke out of the back room the day I was having a sealant applied to the floor and he ran through it and got this paint-like stuff all through the house and on my bed! It took me days of work to get the mess cleaned up. You could never be mad at Taz for anything though, he simply didn't have an ounce of malice in his whole body.

If you've gotten this far, I thank you for sharing all my remembrances of Taz! It was a joy to think of all these moments with him and look at all the wonderful photos I have and just reminisce on all these good times. Thanks Taz for everything you gave me, my world has not been the same since you came into it...and it will certainly never be the same now that you have left.

"The bond with a true dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth will ever be."
Konrad Lorenz